Ok, the dreaded Peronal Life Questions, need some relationship advice. lol

I don't normally ask this stuff on a forum, but since this is more a close-knit group, and I'd like to think we are all "brothers" here, I'm going to ask this.

Story:
My wife left me last year, January, when I deployed for 6 months to Turkey. She waited less than a week to tell me. She took off with my kids back to the states. She moved back to our last base, near Omaha, NE. Her mom had moved out there when we were stationed at Offutt. Long story short, I was super depressed at work and decided to try to move on with my life, she was gone and I wasn't getting her back. So I started the process of changing myself. And I've changed A LOT since we were last together. We were married for 7 years happily, at least I thought so. I never expected her to leave like that. We aren't divorced yet, but I had a lawyer drafting everything up and ready to submit to court until a few weeks ago and she stopped me. She said she wanted to try to work things out, and yadda yadda yadda. You get it.

Well I changed the complete direction of my life. I'm currently waiting to get OUT of the military, I couldn't handle the difference in being married to my high school sweetheart and having 2 handsome boys to being alone and single overseas in a foreign country with no family around to help and people that I thought were friends not really being there for me.

Well we started talking and stuff, and we decided to open up to each other and talk about what's happened over the time that we've been split. Unfortunately, she told me some things I never thought I would here. She slept with 2 guys in my shop, both married, one of them was "my best friend" and they slept together while I was on a 1 month TDY BEFORE we split. Anyways, the stuff she's told me tore me up pretty good, despite me trying to give it a shot at getting back together. So far I've thought of it as a long shot. SHE LEFT ME! Not the other way around. I'm the one that got fucked here and came back from my deployment to a whole mess of legal shit, having to move off base, dealing with my Shirt and Commander, and now I found out about these 2 assholes.

Despite all that, I put it aside in an effort to still try to make it work. I told her it would take a lot of extra hard work for her to really convince me she wanted me back and for us to work again. Then she tells me yesterday that she had sold off her rings. That kind of pissed me off all over again. But she just bought a new ring, just something cheap, to show her friends and others that she's married and show me that she's really trying to hard at this. So she's planning to move back to South Carolina now as I am when I get out. Which is a good thing cause in the very least my kids will have their dad around again.

Well apparantly I've mislead her, we were just texting each other and she's looking for an apartment back home. She was asking me if we are going to live together while I look for a house to buy. Of course I told her NO, because I was planning on taking it slow, dating again, trying to slowly introduce each other back into each others lives, cause we are both different, we've both changed a lot over the past almost year and a half now. She seemed shocked. And I kind of feel bad, cause I think she expected us to just kind of pick up where we left off. But I think that's not going to work. I think we should take it slow and see if we are still compatible, and hell, see if I can live with everything she's done and what she's told me. I'm not trying to be the bad person here, nor am I trying to just chalk it up as not going to work at all. I'm trying to do the right thing.

What's ya'lls opinions?

Personally I would never be able to give your situation another shot but I hold grudges forever. It does sound sweet that you will be able to have your kids around again regardless though.

sorry bro that you had to deal with this. i had a horrible situation last year.


heres the deal (my opinion). i stopped at the part where she slept with 2 guys from your shop. in my eyes its done. even in Gods eyes adultery is the one thing that makes a divorce excusable. they were both in your shop. thats pretty low. she made a cuckold out of you by doing that. when cheating is involved in a relationship, the relationship is poisoned. a relationship is meant to be exclusive, and bringing any outside influence in is the most disgusting thing anyone can do. heres some points that i want to make stick out


she told you after she left you what she had done. she doesnt respect you or the relationship. period. if she truly valued what you had, she would have told you before she left or as she was leaving.

the guys were from where you work shehas gone the extra step to make you look like a fool amongst your peers. this also means that she used you to get some ass. otherwise she wouldnt have done it with them, it might have been more difficult to get some elsewhere. she had no concern about making you the laughing stock and source of the snickering you may have heard behind your back.

also, theres probably a hell of a lot more to the story than you know. having dealt with conniving and treacherous bitches, my experience tells me your only getting the G-rated story. its only the tip of the ice berg. you have no idea if she went back to omaha to be with another dood. the chance is highly likely. they broke up and shes gonna try to stick with something she feels is guaranteed.



bro, please listen to me. dont be a fool. whatever was there is GONE. i went through this with my ex. she had been cheating on me since we were 4 months married. while i was deployed she messed with at least 4 losers. then when we left mannheim and came to baumholder she started again with two other guys. i found this out after we had moved. she never has admitted to any of it. i know for a fact this happened though.

i was with her for 5 years before we married, on and off. then married "happily" for 5 years. im getting ready to divorce her sorry ass.


the worst: i spent those five years of marriage knowing she had cheated on me with this loser from el paso. dood was 35 still living at home and barely spoke english. i kept asking her and she always denied it. like a fool i didnt end it and tried to find a reason to keep it going. for 5 years. it was torture. every time we had sex i was wondering if i was the only one in there this week. everytime she said i love you i thought to myself no you dont.


the bottom line is the relationship was garbage. she will never change because she doesnt see herself doing something wrong.


but the truth, cheaters will NEVER change. they dont just do it because they arent happy or need something more satisfying. its a severe betrayal, and they know that.


dood have you tried dating a german woman? holy shit the difference is astronomical! i have been with this badass german chick since august. shes intelligent, ambitious, smart, witty, funny, adventurous, FAITHFUL, LOYAL, DEDICATED. i could go on and on about her, shes completely different from any american woman i ever dated.

if you go to the right places to meet a german woman, you will be pleasantly surprised. just try to stay away from the ones close to bases. you have to really evaluate them to determine if they are worth it or just after an i.d. card.


p.s. im usually more prolific, but my meds have my head swimming. all i can say is leave her. whats done is done and will be done again. ask anyone who ever took back a cheater.

I appreciate the comments. Yea I know what you are saying rick. Another guy in my shop gave his cheating wife another shot and it just happened again. He told me the same thing, DON'T EVEN WAIST MY TIME. Like I said already, it's a hell of a long shot. I'm mostly doing it to make sure my kids are at least in the same state as me.

I just got off the phone with her about this moving in thing, and the conversation didn't go so well. She doesn't like the fact that she will have to rent an apartment by her self. She says she is already set up where she is. UGH!

its better to divorce now than show your kids a sham marriage. if mommy keeps doing what she has been doing, they are going to see that and see how it effects you. it WILL play itself out in their lives. if you divorce, and they know why, they become a bit stronger against cheaters and definitely will have more respect for you when they are older. hope none of that was offensive. trust me i know.

I understand Rick, I'm not taking anything personal. Thanks man.

good luck bro, im around if you need to talk

thanks bro

I feel your pain, Brad. I was previously married for 7 years to my high school sweetheart and it ended due to cheating (both of us). So when I give you my opinion, I'm speaking from my own experience, so here goes:

No matter what anyone says, and no matter what you decide, this will be something that sticks with you for the rest of your life......especially since kids are involved.

Now if you decide to work things out, and many people have been successful at this, it will be EXTREMELY DIFFICULT to let the past stay in the past. Cheating is HUGE game changer in any relationship, mainly because relationships are built on TRUST. Trust is key; without it, you're just spinnin your wheels. So if you decided to work it out, counseling and more counseling is in your future...and even more counseling (which can get expensive without benefits). You'll have to find a way to not bury, but deal with what happened...and eventually learn from it, grow some kind of bond and hopefully move on. That's the theoretical goal.

Now if you decide not to work things out, then prepare for hell. And what I mean is that you'll have regrets, doubts and a plether of other emotional imbalances which has been know to lead people into depression. It's gonna happen, but it doesn't have to last. Get out, latch on to a close friend or friends that can help you keep a positive outlook on things. Mingle, meet new people (especially women) and live the life you never had being that you came out of highschool in a relationship. Go fuck anything that moves (with a jimmy), trust me, it'll make you feel better! The hardest part will be working shit out with visitation for your kids. That alone will make keeping her off your mind, difficult. But it's doable. Eventually, you'll either find someone else that makes you happy or come to some type of terms with your situation.

Whatever you decide, it wont be easy.

Personally, I say give it another try just so you don't regret it years down the road. If it doesn't work, at least your conscience is clear and you can walk away without remorse.

Just remember what I said....TRUST. Without it, you're destined to fail.

thanks for all the advice guys, means a lot. This is not an easy time for me.

I would NOT give it another try. You just send the message that her behavior was ok. Don't let her cheat on you again. You've already moved on with your life, and sounds like you've been doing well. Don't throw that away. Respect yourself and the work you've done to be a better person. Her fucking dudes in your shop will ALWAYS be in the back of your mind. No amount of counseling can remove that.

Respect yourself and move on. I've been there. I'm on my 4th marriage. The first two cheated. I haven't looked back a day with regret since. The 3rd was fucked and drug out for 8 years. I wasted those years of my life. But, I got personal counseling, fixed a lot of my own shit, and have the greatest marriage I could've ever imagined. Seriously....we've fought once. ONCE. Nothing is a loaded subject, there's no bad history. You have to find a partner who will respect you and love you. The things she's done are not respect or love. She has a hole inside her, and it's not your job to fix it.

The view from the other side

The fact that kids are involved changes everything. I have been in this situation before, except it was me who did the cheating. (Ask Carlos, my ex-wife is AWESOME) anyways. I tried to get back with her and I really would not have done it again. However, she was not into it and it was a tough pill to swallow at first. Honestly getting back together would have ended our relationship tragically and our daughter would have suffered.

Sometimes it is better to try and be friends. If anything for the sake of the children, rather then try and try and try. it would be a gamble on your kids expense. I have a 8 year old daughter and I saw what doing what I did, did to her. However maturity kicked in, in everyone!

My ex-wife and I are amazing friends. We have a relationship that is better now then when we were together 10 fold. Isabella sees this and has benefited hugely from it. Jasmin is remarried, and I get along with her husband like step brothers! Literally! In fact they both bought my plane ticket to fly to Japan and spend Spring break with them! Quintin will probably also join the forum soon.

I have a girl friend, who is AMAZING and Smoking Hot! Her and my ex are even friends. Will I ever cheat again? Hell no, I will end the relationship first. I saw first hand in my face what it did. So that saying once a cheater always a cheater, screw that, it is not always the case. It truly affected me in a way you would not believe.

Long story short. Do what is best for your children in the long run. Not you or your ex for the moment! if that means never getting together, so be it. You could can still have a great relationship with her. As long as everyone is mature about it you will be amazed. Everyone reacts to situations different. I can't say you will be as lucky as me, but who on here is to say anything???

You have to do what is best for you and your children in the long run... and what is best for them only you can say, not me or anyone else on this forum!

Sounds like you got lucky, and really have a supportive ex. But I wanna stress the ex part. Being together was not the best for you two. Moving on like responsible mature adults was the best thing you could've done. You might've never cheated again, but how would she have felt if you stayed together? Definitely maintain some sort of "responsible, mature" relationship with her, for the sake of the kids, but don't force something for their sake.

Admin wrote:

Sounds like you got lucky, and really have a supportive ex. But I wanna stress the ex part. Being together was not the best for you two. Moving on like responsible mature adults was the best thing you could've done. You might've never cheated again, but how would she have felt if you stayed together? Definitely maintain some sort of "responsible, mature" relationship with her, for the sake of the kids, but don't force something for their sake.

this was the point I was trying to make! Sometimes 2 people are not meant to be together in that way. It does not mean you cannot have a healthy relationship with her in another way. I am sure had we gotten back together as I mentioned it would not be the way it is now and could have resulted in us hating each other more then to begin with! So take that into consideration. I am glad the way things turned out, and our daughter benefits from it greatly.

The way I see it... roughly 3.5 BILLION women on this planet why walk into the same situation. Make the best with what you have. Put yourself first then your kids!! So many people get back together for the kids and well... If Daddy is not Happy they will not be! Childeren are Amazing little things that see in absorb EVERYTHING!!! They will know if you are not happy and it will affect them too!!! Once I realized this, I moved on and things started falling into place!!

Highfive! We definitely agree.

I'm with the kick her to the curb crew. Hell no, never again!